When I met Nicole “Nikki” Kasak, one of the first things I asked her was if I should refer to her as a celebrity make-up artist in the blog. Her response to me was, “No, no, professional make-up artist. I do make-up for everyone.” Nikki is undeniably beautiful, but her beauty and genuineness runs more than skin deep. She’s humble, stays grounded and uses her platform to talk to women about hope and purpose.
Nikki’s parents were both successful professionals. She acknowledges they gave her a good life that filled her wants. She had the nice car, clothes and there were little boundaries set for her. But that didn’t stop her from working hard. She’s worked since she was 14 years old. Not because she had to, but because she wanted to. Nikki was always striving for perfection and needed to demonstrate control as she battled with anxiety and an eating disorder through the years. She recalls locking herself in her bedroom often, but doesn’t recall much of her childhood in the midst of these emotions.
At age 17, Nikki came to the realization that both her parents had been experiencing addiction over the years, but were able to function socially and professionally. For the next three years, she invested her time trying to make sure things were as stable as possible especially with her mother. Nikki spent time keeping an eye on things around the house and behaviors. This is even more stressful for someone in their teenage years. But she was still able to focus and continued onward to college and work. “I always stuck my nose in my work. It helped me keep a sense of control and structure in my life with everything else that was going on” she said. However, when Nikki was 20, she lost her mother to addiction. She vividly remembers her last conversation with her mother the day she passed. It was the most devastating loss for her. “My mom was my best friend” she said. Her relationship with her father became strained afterwards and everyone grieved in their own way. He helped her stay on her feet for a year, but then she was independent and got herself an apartment and had to finish college. She began spending time with people who were negative influences after her mother’s death. Soon after, she invested herself in a relationship with a man that lasted seven years and wasn’t the healthiest decision for her. She became pregnant after the first year they were together, but lost the baby two and a half months into the pregnancy and needed emergency surgery. She was 25 years old at the time. She eventually ended the relationship a few years later.
In addition, there’s been so much more that’s happened such as when she was assaulted. Similar to many other women’s stories we hear, she didn’t report it. She remembers the feelings of confusion and fear, but trying to keep things in control as she often did and continuing on with her daily routine. She went to work as usual and she suppressed the thoughts, feelings and situation. A year passed after the assault and there were days she wasn’t feeling well. She decided to get her OBGYN check-up. Now came the next obstacle; the doctor discovered a 10-cm cyst in her ovary. She was told she needed to have surgery and this is when her turning point came. “My life flashed before my eyes. Why was I running? What was I running from? I was always so scared to live and now I’m scare to die” Nikki said.
On December 5, 2017, the morning of the surgery, she was asked to sign off on paperwork stating she was consenting to a hysterectomy if necessary. This was a devastating thought for Nikki. She still wanted to get married and have children. She asked the doctor to be conservative and if it wasn’t absolutely necessary, not to do it. She woke up from a five-hour surgery with a partial hysterectomy and her left ovary and fallopian tube removed. She recalls waking up in the recovery room with her sister by her side and asking her “Can I still have babies?” Her sister’s response was “yes.” However, while in the operating room, the doctor found a carcinoid tumor in her appendix which would have gone undiagnosed for years and could have ultimately been terminal for Nikki. From December 2017- January 2018, Nikki underwent more tests and needed time to heal. She returned to work four weeks after a major surgery. In February 2018, her results came back clear and she’s now cancer free. Around her rough times, Nikki had a friend who was diagnosed with stomach cancer six months prior to her surgery. Nikki held her hand and was with her the moment she took her last breath and passed. “People take so much advantage of these relationships. You need to be grateful. I didn’t know how to live. It took me almost dying to truly understand what it was to live,” said Nikki.
Nikki acknowledges some of the great women who have crossed her path at the right time and not only acted as mentors, but gave her hope for her future. She became a born again Christian and found faith in God. Her perspective began to change and the course of her future did as well. She is now learning to live her best life and is living in the moment and planning less of what’s going to happen in her future.
By the age of 32 she has experienced so much loss, trauma and medical illness. “Too many people are ashamed to talk about what they’ve been through and their mistakes. We live in a generation where everyone denies this” says Nikki. She is now using her social media platform to talk to young women about the importance of valuing yourself, having self-respect and living life. She wants women to think about “What are you working towards?” and “What are you living for?” Nikki believes it’s important to be self- aware and our own best friend. She is still learning, understanding and growing each day from everything she’s been through. She’s taking her experiences of struggles through her life and turning it into a journey to share with others. She wants to help guide and educate young women. I know she’ll be inspiring and changing lives for a long time.
Follow her on Instagram @nikkiikasak
Best,
Tanvi Mathew, MS, LPC
EMERGE- The Counseling & Coaching Center
